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I’ve noticed the same themes playing out among the worst online daters.Some men have learned to obscure the ugliest parts of their personalities on online dating sites, hoping you won’t notice their jealousy issues, racism, or stupidity. This list often includes the phrase “no crazy chicks.”What It Means: I’m not so stable myself.I’ll even make it easier for you: eggplant, snake, banana, mushroom, corn, spouting whale, lipstick, pen, and firecracker!

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Sadly, I am not perfect, and I do not always take the time to appropriately combine all my thoughts into one concise, humorous, and insightful text. Sadly, no great love story ends with someone receiving a cute text.

At some point you will have to actually call the person and (*gasp*) talk to them.

“It’ll make you stop being such a judgmental bitch,” was how she put it.

“You’ll have to be nice to people.” Online dating was, in my bitchy and judgmental estimation, for women who wanted to get married, stat, and were willing to settle for whatever turned up a few clicks away.

If you're a lady in this situation, don’t slow down your momentum by waiting for the guy to make the first move! Just be straightforward and ask them out for a drink already. Just a few brief messages can show someone your personality and sense of humor.

If your date can't deal with a person who takes the initiative to texts first, then they are probably not the right person for you. In the modern text game, it's basically the end of the world if you send two messages before the other person responds. Well, pardon me, but sometimes I have two things to say. Texting can even be a healthy part of sexy flirtation.

We may call them “text games,” but in reality, they resemble "games" in the way that The Hunger Games resembles hop scotch.

Essentially, modern texting etiquette for when you start seeing someone simulates elaborate mind games and power plays on a House of Cards level.

But at least you get a sense of the kind of person a potential mate can be when they put their most dateable face forward.

In my two years on Ok Cupid, I’ve gone on a handful of dates and been treated to hundreds more hilarious, offensive and often bizarre messages.

Of course, buffet-style dating strikes a lot of people as overly consumerist: You’re evaluating potential mates not based on any real-life connection, but on a set of characteristics they list on a website and a curated set of self-shots.